The Difference

What is the difference God makes?

It is everything.

It is the kind of difference that takes a young woman from walking by a mirror with no reflection to seeing someone beautiful staring back at her. It is the difference that assures her she is loved, even when she doesn't know such love and that feeling scares her, just a little. It is the difference that takes her from living a mediocre life, day after day, struggling through the tough times to a life desperate and thirsty for God, to be used by Him for His greatest glory. It is the difference that makes her first thoughts turn to prayer, even in the most dire of moments. It is the difference that makes her confident enough to be vulnerable, secure enough to dare.

It is the difference between six months ago and today. It is everything.

My life is so weird right now, so different than I ever could have imagined it. God is doing a great work in me, one that I can only hope to share some day when this world is ready to listen. Much of it is in the book I've been working on, but not all. The book was my way to write toward freedom. I could feel the stirring of God in my heart, and I knew He had that greatest gift for me, but to simply accept it and move forward, I felt like I was running. So for one final time, I sat with pen and paper and wrote through my story, acknowledging the heartache, the brokenness, the sin...and finding God in so many places I never figured He would be. As I concluded, I found...I am free. It is great.

Maybe that's why I struggled so severely this week. Death knocked at my door - literally. As I sat Monday morning in a dental chair, the first shot of anesthetic sent a small tremble through my body. The dentist pushed and gave no less than five additional shots, each worsening the reaction. I've been used to having allergic reactions to this because of the medical issue I face, but this was that and much more. After four hours of violent convulsions and weirdness in the brain, I knew it was more than I was used to. As it turns out, now 36 hours later, there were two issues: there was the typical allergic reaction, which has not helped at all. And there was the neuro-toxic component I am coming to learn about. This drug poisoned my brain. It continues to do so.

Nobody can tell me how long this second part will go on. The allergy is already fading, and I am getting back to a semi-normal routine. But at times, my body takes back over and convulses and contorts, affecting nearly everything I do.

Yet, I cannot lose sight of how much my Father loves me. Even in the grips of death, in mild fear for the past nearly two days, I am not scared. I am assured, confident, peaceful. God has a great work for me; He reminds me of that every time I walk by the mirror and see a beautiful young woman where a little whore once stood. It is my testimony, and I now have the privilege of living on the other side of it. What a difference it makes - in how i feel about myself, about God, about everyone. I've wasted so much time and so many relationships being broken and in bondage. Now, I am free and even death does not scare me.

Continue praying as I try to be patient with God. Patient while He works the toxin out of my brain, and patient while He completes His incredible work in me and makes me the woman He's been providing glimpses of for several months now. That woman...she is incredible. She is strong, even in weakness, and she is pure and giving and loving and trusted. I'm almost there. Getting closer every day.

So it's weird to me to live in this new life, where this world has nothing to scare me with, where the peace never leaves my heart, and where I never lose the love of God in my heart - His for me and mine for Him.

What is the difference God makes?

It is everything.