There's a difference between having the heart of a servant and having the faith of a servant, and it's a very fine but very important line. It's equally as important to be clear about what I'm not saying.
I'm not saying you shouldn't serve in your church. I'm not saying you shouldn't serve in your church every week. I'm not saying you should never go into ministry.
What I'm saying is...be mindful.
This is something I've actually been wrestling with for a few years, as my church schedule continued to fill up and I took on more ministries and service opportunities. I heard others wrestling with their overextended selves, and I could feel that little bit of nagging in my own soul that something was off.
But the truth is that I believe your spiritual growth and health are primarily your own responsibility. Churches come together to celebrate and to worship and to remember and to fellowship, which are all great things, but the edification of the spirit starts with your private spiritual devotion and practices.
You are supposed to be reading and studying the Bible on your own. You are supposed to fill your home with worship music. You are supposed to carry a song in your heart. You are supposed to pray from your own heart when the Spirit moves you, or even at set hours. You are supposed to regularly commune with God and do what it takes to keep the spark aflame and growing in your own heart. No one else is as responsible for your spiritual life as you are - not even your pastor.
As I started to feel the tension between ministry and personal spiritual health, I started to put into place more practices in my own life because I truly believe there is nothing wrong with serving in your church every week. I have heard the complaints that if you're always serving, there's no time to be fed, but I really do believe your primary place of feeding is at home. That's the way it has always been for the people of God, even back in the Old Testament.
That's not to say that there is no value in fellowship or in group discipleship, in growing together as we do in our churches. It's just to say that if you're feeling stifled and like you really need fed...the first question to ask is whether you're feeding yourself. One meal a week will never sustain the body.
Still, somehow, I crossed the line and brought the work of service home with me and made even my private study, that which I knew was meant to feed me, just the raw ingredients for the meal I was making for everyone else. That's the line we've been talking about.
I am still known for my servant's heart, even while I focus on growing my own faith and not in giving it all away. It's the way I'm wired. I'm in a fairly new job, and I'm already known for "always going above and beyond," but to me, it's just taking the initiative to do things that need to be done because I can do them and it's helpful to others and to the organization when I do.
I have visited with my church a couple of times in the past few months, thanks to catching a ride as I continue to battle my health issues, and every time I walk in, someone approaches me and asks if I can serve in such-and-such a way. Of course I can. And I do. But I have also learned not to give it all away - I'll take the headphones off and tune into the live service happening right in front of me. I'll go with the flow instead of needing to have an order of worship in my pocket. I won't worry about how many more slides the pastor has to go through.
As I recapture my own heart - as I grow that sense of God's love for me and my love for Him - I'm also recapturing balance in service.
And it's the difference between reflection and radiation.
And I am so thankful for it.
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