We read about the disciples, the twelve guys that Jesus spent most of His time with, and we think, "I'm kind of like that." I'm kind of like Peter, a little bit impulsive at times, but well-meaning. I'm kind of like John, knowing for sure sometimes just how much Jesus loves me. I'm kind of like Simon, zealous for the things I'm passionate about and really believe in. I'm kind of like Andrew, quick to offer whatever I've got without realizing how small it is to most folks; maybe I'm just eager. Yes, that's it.
On and on and on we go, identifying with something in every disciple that we know. I doubt sometimes like Thomas. I have to be told like Nathanael. I am ready to share like Phillip. There's a little bit of betrayer, of sinner, in me like Judas. Yeah, I'm like these guys.
So obviously, there's a place at the Table for me.
Isn't that the conclusion we're always trying to come to? I'm a lot like this other guy who Jesus loved, so He might be able to love me, too. Or I'm kind of like this guy who got to go to the Last Supper, so maybe I'm invited, too.
Maybe Jesus will break a piece of bread for me.
Listen, I am all for whatever gets you to the Table, whatever gives you that last little bit of courage or faith or hope or whatever it is you need to come.
But this line of thinking doesn't really help any of us.
When we compare ourselves to the things about the disciples that we find laudable or even forgivable, whatever it is we're using to justify ourselves before the Lord (which is its own problem in itself, by the way), it ends up fragmenting us. When you tell yourself that God would break bread with the part of you that whatever, it's not a far jump to also start telling yourself that God would not break bread with some other part of you. That maybe He's okay if you're a little impulsive sometimes like Peter, but He's not really okay that you sometimes...whatever it is that you do.
It doesn't take long, then, before you're developing your relationship with God with this part of yourself that you think is justified, this part that you think is okay, instead of all of yourself...and it doesn't take long from there before you are convinced God doesn't really love you. Not the real you. Not the person you are when you're not primping and preening yourself to be somewhat presentable to Him.
God loves the Peter part of you, but does He love the you part of you? It quickly becomes hard to believe it.
The truth is that Jesus broke bread with Peter not in spite of his impulsiveness, but out of love for the wholeness of who he was. He broke bread with John not because he knew how beloved he was, but even when he was a Son of Thunder. He broke bread with Judas not only as a betrayer, but as the fullness of a human being created in the image of God, with his good stuff and his bad stuff and everything in between.
And He breaks bread with you for the same reason - because He loves you. All of you.
Not just the parts you think you can justify by looking around the Table. You are not and never will be "someone like them." You are someone like you, and that is who Jesus loves.
Take and eat.
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