Ask

"If you need something, all you have to do is ask." 

The spiritual abuser will tell you this. He will tell you this repeatedly. And on one hand, he's right. But on the other hand, things aren't so easy. 

Because you will ask. And you will be told that those resources aren't available to you. They're available to others, but they aren't available to you. 

For example, you might hear that a certain person within the congregation has a certain set of skills and really enjoys helping folks according to her gifting. But you may not know this person well, so you'll ask your abuser - because he's already convinced you he's the only one who cares about you - about whether this is true, and you'll be told it's true, but that person is very busy and you shouldn't bother them. Then, you see that person helping others in exactly the same way you need, but you asked...and you were told not to ask. 

Or maybe you'll ask and you'll receive, but what you don't know is that the spiritual abuser is always keeping score. You won't know this until it's too late, until this score comes back to bite you. But one day, something will happen and this person will come right back to you and say, "After everything I've done for you!" with a huff, then list off everything he perceives he's ever done for you, big and small. Asked for and not asked for. 

He'll name everything. "Remember that time you asked me to hand you the pen from across the counter? I did that, didn't I?" "Remember when you asked me to help you carry that heavy thing? I helped you carry that heavy thing." He remembers every small thing he's ever done for you, even the things you would not have considered personal favors, but just acts of human decency that ought to be expected between any two mature human beings. But to him, they're part of the score. 

He'll even usually throw in here all the spiritual things he thinks he's done for you - the phone calls he's answered when you were reaching out, the prayers he's prayed with you and for you, the Bible reference he helped you find that one time. Anything and everything so that you remember all of the things you've ever received from him. 

This is his way to justify not giving you more. He's already given you so much, and you're ungrateful. And it hasn't been effective in growing you, so you're a hopeless case. Whatever he can say to beat you down just a little bit and convince you of your unworth so that, again, he becomes your savior. He's just so kind to you!

What's really devious about telling you to ask, though, is this: 

Your spiritual abuser sees your need. He sees it plainly. There are probably many others who have seen your need and, because spiritual abusers are usually persons in power, have probably even come to him to ask about how they can help. But he's told them - she hasn't asked for help yet. 

You know that scene in Aladdin when he's bound and gagged and thrown into the water with a stone tied around his feet and the genie is like, gosh, I'd really like to help you, but I need you to ask.... It's that, but in real life. There are persons who have seen your need and want to help, but they are not allowed to help because you haven't asked; your abuser refuses to help because you haven't asked. 

Because if you don't ask, it doesn't become part of the score. If you don't ask, he can't use it against you later. If you don't ask, he can't make a judgment on whether you're worthy or not and give you a speech about what you deserve and what you don't. 

The spiritual abuser will sit back and watch you drown and then tell you it's your own fault because you never asked anyone to save you. All you had to do was ask for help, but you're just too prideful to humble yourself. Your heart is wrong and is full of yourself. 

"Ask and you shall receive." The Bible says that, he'll remind you. The fact that you don't ask is a testimony to the weakness and failure of your own faith. You just don't believe enough...because you don't ask. 

Never mind that you were drowning and couldn't even take a breath to speak.