Crushed

We could talk for a long time about spiritual abuse. It takes many forms, and the stories that exist are countless and heartbreaking. But we're hitting some of the highlights. So far, we have seen how the spiritual abuser sets himself up to be your savior and then, forces you to ask for every little thing that you want or need while he is secretly keeping score or using those opportunities to remind you why he's the only one who will help you - pitiful as you are. 

There's one more major red flag of spiritual abuse that's important to talk about here, and it's this: 

To the spiritual abuser, it's always your fault. Everything. All of it. It's your fault.  

If you ever happen to figure out what he's doing, what's happening in your relationship, and you happen to get the strength to call it out, he'll spin things around to tell you that's not really the case and that it's just another example of how horrible you are.

And you likely will go to him when you figure things out. By this point, he's convinced you that you're supposed to come to him with everything, that he's the only one willing to listen to you or to help you. He's been there for you through other interpersonal conflicts you've tried to navigate (which you realize in hindsight that he also helped to create through his own god complex and toxic/abusive dynamics). You've probably even had conversations in these other times about how, if you ever have a problem with someone, especially him, you should take Matthew's advice and go to your brother in private and try to talk about things. 

So you'll figure out that something is off in the relationship and naturally, you'll go to him and try to talk about it. He told you that you could do that, right? 

When you do, though, two things are going to happen: 

First, he's going to deflect. He's going to tell you how horrible the things are that you're saying and how much they hurt him to hear. After all, he's never been anything but nice to you - how can you accuse him of such things? He'll bring up his list again, that score he's keeping about everything he thinks he's ever done for you, and he'll tell you that you really ruined his day/week/month/whatever by saying these things to him. 

This is to make you apologize to him and feel like you owe him something for your thoughtfulness and rudeness; it keeps you in his debt. 

Second, he's going to tell you that this is primarily a you issue. You just want to be offended. You're just so high maintenance. You're so naive. You don't understand how things really work. You're such a burden, and here you are again, being more of a burden because of your own insecurities and failures. In other words, it's your fault you feel this way; it's part of the broken dirtiness of your own heart. You know, the very same thing that keeps others from wanting to have anything to do with you. The same thing that makes God Himself weary of you. The same thing that leaves you with only one savior left - your spiritual abuser. 

You are just hopeless. Toxic. Dramatic. Traumatic. Whatever pain you might be feeling from the relationship, it's your own fault because your heart is just that wrong, that backward, that poisonous. 

So you try to address it, having recognized it for what it is, and the interaction you have with him - with the same him who told you to always bring it up - only proves what you've already suspected. 

The only possible thing you can do now is to walk away. 

It feels impossible. By this point, so much of your faith is wrapped up in him. So much of your understanding of God. So much of your relationship with the fellowship. All of your relationships and spiritual disciplines and everything have run through him for so long that if you walk away from him, it feels like you're walking away from everything...and there are so many of those things you aren't willing to give up - or to give up on. But it feels like you're losing them anyway. 

Which is exactly how he wants it. So that once he has you, you feel like you can never leave without losing God, too. 

This...is spiritual abuse.