Reputation

It seems almost silly to me to admit that I am sometimes motivated by what other persons might think about me. I don't want to share my goals because I don't want to fail and have anyone conclude, erroneously, that I am a failure. I don't want to have to spend my life justifying myself, trying to explain, trying to illuminate the heart that I have that isn't troubled by failure (necessarily), but that embraces a spirit of growth and the challenge of trying again. 

There's this certain tension because on the one hand, I am strong enough to not really care what others think of me and at the same time, there's part of me that absolutely cares what others think of me. 

Then, I realize that I think God can relate. 

This is the exact argument that Moses kept making with God as Israel traveled in the wilderness. God was frustrated with His people. He was trying to do a thing, and they were messing everything up. It looked like things weren't going according to plan. So God kept saying you know what? I'm done. I'm gonna wipe this slate clean and start over. I'm going to build up a generation that won't be so darned rebellious. 

And Moses says...maybe You don't want to do that, God. 

Maybe You don't want to destroy Your people in the wilderness. Maybe You don't want to fail to bring them into the Promised Land. Maybe You don't want to turn Your back on them, even though they've turned their back on You.

Why? 

Because if You do, the world will say You couldn't do it. The world will say You failed. The world will say You aren't as good, as powerful, as loving, as gracious, as merciful, as capable as You claim to be. The world will think less of You if You change Your plans now. 

And all of a sudden, that pressure I feel that the world is watching doesn't seem so silly after all. 

At the end of the day, it's not really about me. I recognize this. I live my life in a bold declaration of faith. I give the glory to God. (I hope.) I make claims about who He is and what He's doing and how my soul comes to life in the goodness of His amazing grace. 

So if I fail, it's not just that the world will think I'm a failure. It's not just that they won't understand that I don't view failure as final. It's that maybe they'll look at my life and not understand that even though this looks like a loss, I still believe in a win. I'm still waiting on God to do it. I'm still actively pursuing it. 

I worry what the world will think of me, but that is - at least in part - because I worry what the world will think of my God, who gets all the glory for my life. (Yes, of course, I am a fallen human and self-centered and do consider myself, too. I'm not pretending that I don't.)

I read these scenes in Exodus, where Moses uses the same argument I'm wrestling with in my own life to convince God that maybe He wants to reconsider, and I think...maybe it's not so silly after all to care what the world thinks about what it sees. 

Maybe...it helps me understand the heart of God a little more.